Sunday, 6 October 2013

The MRI machine........

and here I am again. Waiting for another MRI to be done. I wish I cud record this dhum dhum dhum dhum tu tu tu tu...... For those of u who have witnessed it know by now what I'm talking abt. And for the other's, lemme tell u it's nth like this drum circle sound. it's screeching loud painfully deafening sound that the machine creates in order to get Ur scan. 

Anyhow, after all the horribly painful tests I've undergone, all I'd like to pray and hope beyond hopes that no one reading this has to ever ever go through tests for two long yrs without being able to c the light of the day. I mean I till now haven't been given a diagnosis for Sth I developed one fine day waking up from my deep slumber. 

It's called a Foot-Drop! But no doctor knows why or how it started. I mean the root cause. Not even, if it'll happen again in future. Can it worsen. What's the next course of action. What shd we tell ourselves with all these questions in mind and no doctor to answer them! 
           Funny state of affairs! This doctor business I tell ya! Every test u pay say 100Rs. Out of which 40/- goes to the doctor and 60/- to the agency conducting those tests. No one is fuck bothered abt what the patient is / must be going through. Or what their family must be going through. 

Out of everyone around me, I feel worst abt Lifeline! He's never left my sight. Be it a blood test or whether I'm admitted in the hospital busy getting 5000mg steroid shots or be it my innumerable MRI's. 
I want to be well again just for him. So that I can c that beautiful face that gives me all the energy and positivity that I need and more to fight this medical condition that none of the doctors have a diagnosis for, SMILE stress free!!!  

And the time has finally arrived after an hour n a half long wait for my MRI. I can feel my pulse rising. It's so prominent that I can feel it from my naval. Funny the body is. I'm sure God had a single malt on the rocks once he was done making the human body! 

Seconds away from entering the torture chamber for an hour, at least , says the technician. 

I've changed into the MRI friendly clothes. Just took off a whole lotta things..... My watch, rings, earrings, clutcher, and a pendant stone - moonga which my mum has got me to wear. It's supposed to keep my health in place. lol. Ironic ain't it?  
It's a funny feeling..... A feeling of being dead while Ur very much alive and breathing! When the machine is making the not so melodious sounds Ur taken into another world altogether. A world where the deafening sound can't deafen u more than it already is, and where the bitting cold ( the machine needs a constant temperature of 19 degrees) can't bite you more coz Ur already pushed on the other side of the fence where Ur body has turned numb coz of the cold. A mere blanket doesn't act as a savior at all. At which point I got thinking abt our population that spends their life on the footpaths in dec. with the Delhi winter's freezing them to death! 
And after yesterday's 5 Screenings/MRI / angeographys / Tactography, I'm back here for another MRI. They called and said there was Sth in the Brain MRI that they need to clarify. So one more brain MRI. Lollll. 

And now the wait. Which is the worst ever. Since I no they saw Sth in my brain which so far no one cud either see or pin point. 

This was the first time ever, that I cried during my MRI. Dunno y. But I wasn't thinking anything. Mainly blank. With my eyes tightly shut. And I cud feel the fear. I could feel the chill of the tear drops right outside my eyes n rolling down to my cheeks. Funny that I had no temptation to wipe 'em off n thankfully so. Since the MRI wud hv to be stopped for any n every movement by me. 
Just got to no they're going to speak to my fav. Dr. ( dr. J. D. Mujherjee). He just used the word CLOT! He ( the senior Radiologist) came out of his kop bhawan to as if I was pregnant or post pregnant or on a pill at time it started. 😀 now dude u give me a go ahead and I will actually feel blessed to go through the beautiful feeling. 
And he's gone back. It's funny how I'm writing every thought crossing my mind. Don't really expect anyone to read this or comment on it. At the max. I'd want everyone to feel blessed and stay miles away from THE MRI MACHINE!!! 
          And finally the Pandora's box has been unveiled. Its a CLOT! I had a stroke in neurological English and there cud be 2 things- a clot ( which is the better one outta the two ) and the other, a fit! 
Now he says it's a tiny clot which can be dealt with therefore it's a gud thing. 
Which is why unlike all the reactions from ppl around me, I'm the happiest. From where I'm looking at it, it's at least a window I see opening after roaming around from pillar to post with no diagnosis for 2 whole years, we've at least reached at some point where now we can feel that we're going to start moving towards rectification. 😀 

So thank you babaji. So all that we've been through to reach where we are today! 

Sunday, 9 June 2013

The story of U & Me...

And when..........did i say i loved you any less???

If this is all a test you're making me go through then i'm getting tired.......If all this is a test for you........then I wanna be there for and with you till the end......

But, I'm still getting tired!

Its been a week, since I saw u last......and that's how its been in the past 3 months.......I don't mind seeing your family more...........but definitely not in the spirit they've been... or at-least certain people have been. Its sad.....We're all educated. Is having shelter and food our main n only requirement? Not Love? Not Care?

I remember, fondly, the time that made us commit to each other....... All those beautiful memories bring a smile to my i'm still there..
HOW I WISH.............

How I wish........u were near, no so far......
there'd be no fear, n the doors left ajar.

With each day passing..... i miss you more,
Would I or not want US more?

I like the smell of you, 
when i open ur cupboard......
Is that it? would that be all I do?
Iron, n re Iron the handkerchiefs and shirts.....

How I wish........... I could make my home in there?

Even when ur back.......All I do.....
Is stay awake........ and take a whiff of you!!!

Basically, I dunno how bad is bad............but all I know is this ain't going towards good.........